How Bullying Works

I was inspired to write about this after seeing the Bully (2012) documentary. The documentary made me incredibly upset and angry because a lot of things that happened to the kids featured had actually happened to me when I was a kid.

It was clear from the start, and it was something I was discussing a little bit with a friend of mine earlier today that school administrations have absolutely no idea whatsoever what bullying actually is and how it works. What I mean by this is that administrators and teachers do not have the conceptual structure to even comprehend the power dynamics of bullying and are therefore are utterly incapable of confronting the problem in a meaningful way.

At one point in the documentary, the principal of one of the schools catches two kids in the courtyard arguing and having a confrontation. Both of them appear to be equally involved, but when the principal intervenes, the bully apologizes. The kid who is being oppressed, however, knows what the bully is and stands his ground, causing the principal to turn on him, even after the kid cites a whole stream of previous conflicts,  even associated police reports. The principal's response is simply, "Stay away from him."

In my own life, in middle school, I remember one incident in Social Studies class when I was being harassed by all of the kids in my immediate vicinity. I took it upon myself to write their names down and gave the list to the principal. The principal came back to me and told me that they had said that I was just as mean as they were (5 against 1, how could I be the oppressor?).

These two events illustrate one of two major problems: The bully (or bullies) know exactly how to play the game and appear less culpable and less sinister than they really are. It takes a certain degree of psychopathy to pull it off, but it works every time.

Even when a child complains about an incident or series of incidents, teachers and administrators consistently fail to connect the dots and form the whole picture. They only see one or two incidents, and the conditions and punishments are specific to that single incident; nothing is done to attempt to protect the child from future encounters. Otherwise, administrations are so impotent and/or unwilling that the child is forced to take matters into his own hands, and s/he ends up getting in trouble for his actions. Never do the police nor the school administration ever own up to the fact that these incidents were in fact reported, and never are these incidents ever deployed as a mitigating factor in the punishment of the unwilling vigilante.

Late in the documentary, we meet a young girl, an academic superstar, whose torment is so severe that she feels the need to bring her mother's pistol onto the bus and is forced into the juvenile justice system by a draconian local justice system that does not care about what brought her to bring that pistol on the bus that morning. Thankfully, by the end, we discover that she is acquitted of all charges, and is consigned to a mental  institution for a few months.

On the other side, in the documentary, we have Alex, a young kid who looks a bit different from the other kids. For this, he gets nothing but an ever-escalating bombardment of death threats and beatings on the way home from school. Nobody likes him, and we watch this young kid go from a normal boy to a severely depressed state. We watch what happens when kids don't fight back. At one point, the producers of the film decide to show their footage of what's going on on the bus to his parents because of an immediate danger to his life.

Watching what happens when the parents, who are absolutely terrified for their child, receive nothing but sweet-nothings from the principal, is absolutely devastating. What ensues is a more or less fruitless investigation in which a few children are punished. The guidance counselor and Alex finally meet:

Guidance Counselor: "Why didn't you come to me earlier?"
Alex: "You wouldn't do anything about it."
GC: "What about when [Redacted] sat on your head? Did he do it again?"
Alex: "No, but he still did other stuff."

This is the other major problem with how school administrations view bullying. Bullying is not a single isolated incident. It is the continued harassment, belittlement, and isolation of another human being. It is primarily about power and separation. With a single bully, the bully is trying to make himself feel empowered at the expense of another kid, typically one who is smaller in size than he. This is the one that can play administrators and teachers as though they were Beethoven on the harpsichord, and he makes alliances with them by playing them against the authenticity and true knowledge of the oppressed, who desperately wants something to be done against the real enemy at any expense.

The oppressed will not seek reconciliation because he knows that the bully is acting invariably in bad faith, and he is seeking, above all, for his torment to end. The bully, in turn, is indeed acting in bad faith, and knows that reconciliation--especially when he knows that the administration views the incident in question as equal--gets him out of punishment and in addition allows him to continue to harass his target in the future.

Despite this, and despite the laundry list of actually relevant incidents that could be cited by the oppressed, the administration does not in fact view these previous incidents as relevant; its only concern is the present incident, completely ignoring their history at its own peril, and, ultimately, at the peril of the boy who cried for help.

The bully is a friend to the administration, the oppressed is not. The oppressed is deliberately made to be an outsider, an Other, in order so that a) he will not have any support, and b) the bully can have his way with him. Often, the rest of the student body--in addition to the administration--will at best turn a blind eye, or worse, join in with the bully and wage a swift school-wide campaign to isolate the target. No amount of pleading by parents can reverse what has been done to him by the entire school infrastructure. Only when something truly terrible happens to the child in question is anything ever done to mitigate the damage--if possible.

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I am writing this chiefly because more than a few of my friends are teachers. I don't believe that any of them have received, or will ever receive any kind of meaningful official training on the subject, no matter what kind of measures are enacted. I want to empower them, to help them understand what is going on in their classrooms when they see something questionable. I want to bestow upon my friends who are teachers the power to prevent what happened to me from happening to someone under their charge. They may face an intractable superior, beholden to certain dependencies, or who claim their hands are tied. However, they have more power than they think they do. Simple things help:

Separate the kids in your class if you see any harassment. Force them to change seats.

If you notice a pattern, ask both of them to stay after class. DO NOT ask for reconciliation. Let them explain themselves. The oppressed will, if he is not yet totally affected by continued torment (you will know when he is), use this opportunity to tell you what's going on. You as a teacher may actually want to dismiss the bully at this point, which may seem counter-intuitive (bullies must be punished, after all), but this gives you an opportunity to let the oppressed know that he has your support. I would choose this option because the oppressed needs someone to help him much more than the bully needs to be punished.

If you decide that the situation is dire, based on the testimony of the oppressed, ask who his other teachers are and contact them. Inquire about any kinds of behavior directed at the oppressed in his other classes, and ask them to look out for him. If his other teachers report similar behavior, you can either a) contact his parents, or b) contact the administration. You may want to contact his parents before you contact the administration. If all of his teachers have corroborating intelligence, going to the administration could be a viable option. At the very least, notify his parents so that they can help their child.

Also, notify the parents of the bully. The bully may come from a dysfunctional family and his parents may not care that their child is a monster, but it is worth a shot now that bullying is a national issue. Of course, the bully could just as well manipulate his parents and deflect the negative attention as he does with the other adults he interacts with. It's your call.

As a teacher, I would imagine that going to the administration and requesting an investigation might be at least a little more fruitful than parental harassment, especially if all of his teachers are present and their stories corroborate.

Even if nothing can be done about the bully, do not give up. Instead of focusing your efforts on punishing the bully if the administration proves impotent, focus on helping the oppressed. As I have stressed, it is  more important to support the oppressed than it is to punish the bully. Have the oppressed stay after class a few times to talk about things. Earn his trust. Listen to him. These are very simple things that make a small but not insignificant impact on how he views his situation. I remember one teacher I had in high school who was absolutely phenomenal and helped me a great deal when I was severely depressed in 11th grade. She got me into my school's Teens Need Teens Core program Senior year. You may also want to suggest seeing a guidance counselor or, better--if your school has one--the school psychologist.

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Stopping bullying is not all about punishing the bully, which is where all of society's efforts to solve the problem are directed. It is more important to prevent irreparable psychological damage to the oppressed by letting him know that he is not alone, even if nothing can be done about the bully.

The bus is a No Man's Land, a terrifying hell in which the oppressed has only himself to rely on against assaults from all sides. But small things can be done to make his trip to and from school less dangerous. The oppressed should always sit in the front of the bus right behind the bus driver, and driver should be asked to give continuous weekly informal reports on what happens on the bus. The best thing to do would be to ask the bus driver to make those reports both to the principal and to the oppressed's teacher-ally so that people who have the power to help him know what is going on and at the very least suggest strategies to help him deal with his oppressor(s) or, better, either get him on another bus, or get him off the buses altogether. A carpool with neighbors, for example, would be an excellent alternative.

Remember, the focus is not on punishing the bully; rather it is helping to assure the survival of the oppressed.

If the oppressed is in a lower grade--is not a senior--please do not forget about him when the year ends. Inquire after him when the next year starts, and if you know he is still having problems, contact his other teachers, and, if you need to, ask one of them to look out for him and periodically check up on him.

Even if the administration cannot do anything about the bully, teachers have the power to help the oppressed. This is the more important--and the completely ignored--other half of our national anti-bullying movement. You don't have to control students' behavior (the impotent principal in Bully pleads that she can't). You just have to make one life a little bit more bearable.